Survive the Void

It's a thing often easier said than done, no?

I'm being funny. Spoiler: I'm not actually funny.

I'm incapable of sleep tonight, it would seem. I'm having one of those reminiscing evenings. You know the ones; inescapable thoughts that crop up to bite you in the ass, the precise ones that just don't listen when you tell them to fuck off. They come in waves; at times they come in the form of dreams, loops on repeat - things I remember from when I was young, encounters I've survived and tried to have others do the same. Some things I cannot discern to be true but I suppose that's the problem with being unable to fully tell what's real.

Of course the writer of this all has such classic difficulties, right? Being in this situation you get all kinds of tropes coming to the surface.

Next I'll warn you about how tired I am in a voice that's displaying exhaustion (not that you can here but I'm sure have the impression of) but I'll talk for about ten more years and will end with an apology for spelling errors. Then correct myself ahead of time that I'll just apologize here and now - then proceed to type/reread ever so carefully to eliminate spelling errors. Then tell you the obvious of how tired I am and proceed on.

How cute and quirky.

Jokes aside it can be troubling. Some days I can't pull myself out of a reality that's not my own. I don't know what to call it specifically, there are so many things that could work to come close but none of them accurately describe the horror that is the experience of losing your place in space and time. Yeah, I could be exaggerating that a good bit because the likeliness I am actually lost in such a manner is less believable - it's internal, my brain having a rave that I didn't consent to. I acknowledge that but it still doesn't remove how surreal the experiences can be.

Dreams are always the strangest. Of course they are, though, they are dreams. They don't tend to make sense, we put context to them more often than anything. Sometimes they make sense. Remember that sometimes dreams are not always yours.

I've seen them there before. A common place to be. The visits are far less frequent these days, thankfully. But there's always a lingering constant from my childhood - reoccurring dreams that never cease. Honestly, they are probably just products of trauma that my brain couldn't process and thus pushed into my subconscious. It seems to thrive on the negatives; not specific events or people, but feelings and the energy they give off. It is in these waking hours I remember that it is only a dream; yet when I am there, on that oh so rare occasion, and its head turns to face me in the realm of black and white - it's so easy to forget.

Being awake it's easy to focus on the fact there is so much more out there.

I titled this "Survive the Void" because that's what you have to do. Against what is real and especially what isn't. The things that aren't really there will always fuck with you harder, they get into your head in ways you don't expect because they often aren't logically based. Dreams, anxiety and the works. Things in front of you, even if you have difficulty comprehending, you usually can react to in ways that have some form of understanding to them. Perhaps not justification but still understanding. Survival instincts know better how to adapt to something external, the internal issues get things all jumbled up and then suddenly you believe your best bet is to murder a whole bunch of folks! Or yourself, even.

So whatever you're dealing with - survive it. If you're struggling then find others that'll assist you. They won't be a cure all but a support system goes a long way. Don't rely solely on a single individual either and be careful of whom you choose to confide in. It's possible you'll find a single person that is easy company in all regards, or you may find a handful and that each one is good at managing a different aspect of you.

The truth is we don't know all that is out there. We likely have such a small fraction of it from this one planet out of the trillions in our universe. In our multiverse? It's amazing to consider but also so nerve-wracking. Surviving what's before you and what's inside you are still only one factor in all of this. There's that which we can only guess at, things we barely comprehend. Sometimes I think I may be getting somewhere with an ouija board (I know) and in the dreams that possess me for long hours. The particular awful ones I've barely mentioned above. When my feet hit blackness and every step is far off; I swear at times I can hear others but never am I able to find them. It's cold but my skin is numbly warm and I wonder... is this death or something beyond it?

Survive the Void because we don't know what happens to us when we go. If we are just gone, if something bigger collects us, eats us - if we simply go somewhere else or are recycled back down to this rock. Take care of yourselves because you can't always trust others will be there to do that for/with you.

I'm sorry that all my posts seem to go from shitty sounding to positive to negative about the positive. It must seem so confusing but I know those reading aren't unintelligent. Inexperienced, perhaps, but you must know you learn from experience itself. So my writing on all this is, if anything, meant to give you some food for thought and a crutch to lean on. Ultimately what happens in your life is up to you. You'll face things out of your control, you'll make mistakes with the things within your control - all of these things are alright. They happen. So survive at all costs, please.